TrIsH

F ~ ~ K !!!

It's funny how things turn out. You always think you're tougher that you seem, than everyone thinks. But it still hurts... and you still find yourself HUMAN. No matter how nicely put, how good the intentions are, or how innocently meant, it is still painful. And the hardest thing is, you want to cry it out, take it out of our system, but you can't. It's not that you don't want to, it just won't come out. You just wanna leave it all behind you, look forward and move on. but then it's harder than it looks. I know one day we'll all look back and laugh, but then it's no laughing matter now... It's sooo tiring... so emotionally draining... *sigh* With no tears running down my face, I look forward, shoulders square, head held high, I take a shaky step, one after the other, and force myself to move on...

30 SUMTHIN...

Does life get any better after 30?   I fee like a prey trapped in a fox hunt...  Does it end here?...  Is this all that will become of a lonely soul??...  (How melodramatic!) 

To survive, a woman has to have ambition and guts.  I seem to lack the drive to rise to the occasion right now.  Others may call it depression, I just call it as I see it:  lack of sense of self.  I am totally lost!  Hahaha!  The rantings of a crazed 30-year-old gal... People say, "What a waste!  She was so smart, intelligent, and pretty..."  Crazed and hysterical... 

And yet, here we are, trying to make it in a man's world, where everything seems to be catered to a man's instincts, intellect, and ego.  I give praise to those who had risked everything, strived hard enough, and made it.  'Tis the mockery of it all, I suppose.  A woman has to work doubly hard and prove herself tenfold for people to notice what had been right in front of them all along...  And yet, when gone, the men cannot hold a candle to what a woman had to go through in order to get where she is at at that point in time.  All the Scotts, Mikes, Alans, Marks, Johns, Seans, Christophers, Roberts, Franciscos, or any other schmuck will never know or be able to read what women think, feel, or realize what they've done to hurt someone till it's too late.  That's how the male species is built, I guess.  And yet, the women still do the same mistake over and over again:  Fall in love with love.  How masochistically crass life is.  And all this at the age of 30-something...

MoRe OfTeN tHaN nOt...

I have this very good friend who's feeling pretty down lately.  I just can't help but write about it.  See, she started seeing this guy about two and a half months ago.  She thought that it wouldn't amount to anything 'coz they both have much responsibilities in life.  Anyway, the more she talked to him, saw him at work, or went out with him, the more she felt like she needed to see him.  So, to get right to the point, she started falling for him.  Everything seemed to be perfect till two weeks ago.  The last time they saw each other was Friday, June 8.  Everything was perfect.  Then...  nothing!  Saturday came and went, no phone call or text or anything.  Sunday came, they were both at work but didn't see each other.  And every single day after that,  nothing still.  She was frustrated...  and more-overly HURT!  She was in tears for a week, not sleeping, thinking, calling me up every now and then, asking me WHY...  I couldn't say anything except, "I don't know."  I told her what I thought of the guy, what an asshole he is, that he doesn't deserve her, but that won't take the pain away.  I hurt because she hurts.  I know how much it hurts...  I've been there.

More often than not, why is it that it's always the girl who gets hurt it the end?  The one who loses?  The one who cries?  Why is it, more often than not, it's the girl who has to cry herself to sleep and wake up, face the world, and act as if nothing happened?  Why is it, more often than not?...  The XY chromosomes of the male species should not define their difference in sex and but should highlight their variance and unlikeliness for divarication, should it not?  Being a female should not mean being the weaker sex.  It should signify strength and tenacity under fire. 

And to that dearest friend of mine, you definitely deserve better than how shabbily he's treated you.  If he chooses to listen to his friends and not even be man enough to tell you face to face, then he is not half the man you had built him up to be.  I know it hurts right now, but I promise you, it gets easier each and every day...  One step at a time... 

m E o N b E i N g C y N i C a L

I don't think I'll ever believe in LOVE.  Maybe lust...  LOL!  I think people are so in-love with being IN LOVE that they lose their perspective as to the real meaning of the word.  I think, nowadays, people are more threatened by what they might feel or what might happen, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of it?  Instead of the communion of two souls, it becomes two islands together.  Each totally independent of each other, yet together.  To love true is to treasure every living moment of it:  to be able to look into each other's eyes and know exactly what he or she is thinking; to be able to finish each other's sentences; to know what to expect when the other is down and be able to bring a smile back on his or her face; to be able to tell each other everything without fear or bias; to be able to be there to just simply listen to the other person; to be the bestest friend; to not be able to live without him or her.  It may last a year or a month or a week or a day, but you will always have the memory to remember.  I do wonder if I'll ever believe in it...  I don't think those things exist anymore.  I applaud the couple who finds a "perfect" relationship...  I don't believe there really is  such a thing.  I believe that a relationship is and will always be a work in progress...  Hence, the ups and downs...  If both are willing to understand and compromise and work at it, I'm sure it can last a lifetime...  That's what I could call a "perfect communion of souls".  But still, I would still classify it as a pipe dream.  Everyone wants the perfect guy or girl.  No-one ever finds him or her.  There is no such thing.  There will always be flaws.  No one is perfect.  If you can overlook all the person's flaws and live with it for the rest of your life, here's to you.  Being with a dreamer can be scary, especially when he finally wakes up from all that daydreaming and find that all he has left are his dreams.  Nothing more.  He let life slip by without realizing what he had would have been... But then, what do I know, right?  These are merely my conundrums on the lives that I see everyday...  If things go wrong, learn from it and "charge it to experience".  I wonder if Experience has a high APR... : )

f R i E n D s . . . H a P p Y. . .

It's funny how you come to realize that you can become so attached to a person in a matter of days...  You become so used to having those people around you exactly when you needed them... and then you realize you have an entirely haphazard day without them by your side...! ha, ha, ha!!!  What would I do without you, Honey?!  Like you said, "Life IS complicated!"  Arlene said, "You only have one life, Trish.  You deserve to be happy."  So, you guys, if Life is indeed complicated (with all it's twists and turns and topsy-turvy swirls), where does this lead me with my status quo?...  Recently, I've been the happiest ever with FRIENDS.  Right now, even though how complicated my life may be, I AM HAPPY...  So sue me... : )

... S t R i N g S ...

I haven't written in a VERY long time.  I've thought about updating this blog on-and-off but I guess it took me a while to catch up with this fast-paced life.

As I was walking home from work this evening, "Strings" came to mind.  I guess it was because of this darned piece of yarn from my scarf that got caught on my jacket's zipper.  It took me a whole 12 minutes (that's exactly the time that it took for me to walk from the hospital's back exit to the front of my apartment!) to fumble and get that string un-stuck.  Epiphany struck (as always!) and I was wondering why it was always so hard to let go even though it was just this little, thin, and scarce thread of a connection?...  Trying to start anew and make a new life and yet here I am still.  I feel like a rubber band stretched to a point so taut that, even though I've covered a large area, if let go, I'd still be right at the starting point.  No justification.  I've got goals and dreams.  I've been visualizing them in my head everyday.  Mumbling this mantra every waking moment.  I am tired of my everyday conundrum.  I know I can do it if I just persevere more. 

Now, if I could just cut that darned string...

CoUnTiNg...

Well, so much for a vacation.  Palm Springs wasn't all that bad, but wasn't all that. Period.  It will definitely stay the best place for the Retired population.  I had a few scrapes with reality during my stay there and thought that that had resolved itself.  I guess not.  This psychotic-manic depressive-obssessive compulsive trouble is still at my heels but still at bay...  now if I could just learn how to kill a wolf...  he, he,he!!!...  Anyway, otherwise, there are a lot of things to be thankful for these past few days:  First, the birth of my beautiful niece, Makayla Anne C. Bunag.  I haven't seen a single hair on her head but I know she is just as beautiful as her mother...  Second, having all my Ecaruan cousins within 10 miles of each other (am hoping for one of those all-girls sleepovers like when we were in gradeschool!).  Finally, to be able to get to be with Marj, Kay, Lauren, and Leanne all in one room:  that rarely happens people! -  barely once a year!  Third, my other cousin Cathy's birthday on the 20nd.  Fourth, and last but not the least, having my Mum home from the hospital.  Despite all my woes, heartaches and misgivings, I always look at what I have and am very thankful for all my blessings.  No matter the trial, I always look at my children as they sleep at night and ALWAYS thank God for giving them to me... 

An EpIpHaNy...

My whole family went to Loma Linda last weekend because it was Zari Leigh's (a dear cousin of mine) birthday.  As I was chasing Theo around the Caragdag household, Matt (Zari's brother, another dear cousin of mine) told me to "count my blessings".  I guess I really should.  I am so thankful to God for my two beautiful children who keep me busy 101% of the time.  I am thankful for Auntie Meg and Uncle Jun for taking us and caring for us as their own children.  I am thankful for the "push" my parents are giving me to teach me to be wholly independent.  I am thankful for the undying support of my COUSINS AND FRIENDS for without them I don't think I would still be standing here in Palm Springs typing in this heat at 1:21am.  I am thankful that God still is there no matter what.  With letting go, epiphanies come in waves; this is one of them.  Everything seems to mean something now...  Now, I just don't feel desolate or forsaken anymore.  I feel like I have a purpose...  Now, if only the people I am asking for help will ACTUALLY help me...  we'll see...  I know God will help me...

ThE eNd...???

I don't know how to classify this phase of my life except as "the end of another phase of my life".  I know, it's so circumspect.  Maybe even a bit crass.  My mum was asking me this evening what exactly was going on and I told her that I will tell her soon when I am ready to talk about it.  I guess everyone is trying to guess, and are getting frustrated already.  It's sad to think that my parents and immediate family are the last to know of my personal woes...  I was never a queasy child when it came to being hurt physically or emotionally.  I was brought up to be tough against the perils of the world.  So, I guess, it would normally follow to be introspective and emotionally patient.  Now, I don't know how to tell them from the very beginning.  Somehow, my old troubles seem so foreign and far away right now, and that the idea of digging up old dirt is so unnecessary.  I wish they would all just leave me alone for now, not ask questions, not dictate what I should and shouldn't do, and just wait for me to say something one day.  My life is supposed to be my decision; it will be my feelings that'll be hurt, not theirs;  it will be me who'll be happy, not them.  I wish I could tell them not to mind how I dress, who I talk to, how I interact.  THIS IS MY LIFE!!!  I am 29 years old, for goodness' sake!!!  Let me make my own way, mistakes and all...  I am an adult, not an indigent child...  I need guidance, not someone to tell me what to do like a child...  I need space to rationalize and heal...  I know a lot of people don't know what I'm talking about but I do hope they give me the space I'm asking for...  Like I said, this is the end of another phase of my life...  let me mourn it's demise...  in peace...

LoVe... ChOiCe... ChAnCe...

No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.

And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.

An old friend just e-mailed me that school of thought today.  I guess they have a ring of truth to it.  It's a little bit of luck, coincidence, and fate that two people meet and fall in love.  To make the relationship work, both of them have to invest emotionally, physically, financially, etc.  And after everything has been done and still things don't work out, after all the ifs and buts, they both decide to part ways.  That's the cycle of life.  You meet, you love, you grow, you learn, you move on.  No sense in dwelling in the past and worrying about the contingencies of what the future may bring.  Laureen said, "Live the day.  You are always in the perfect.  Think of the now.  You know not what will happen a few seconds from now, let alone an hour, so kick back, relax, and enjoy the company.  It may only last a few minutes, an hour, a day, but when you look back at the end of the day, you'll think back and say, "That was an emotional high!  I enjoyed the day!  Thank you!"

On LeTtInG gO...

A very wise lady told me today that everything happens for a reason; that one should never doubt that we are always in the perfect place; that we should learn how to respond, not to react; that we cannot control what will happen so we should always live the present to its fullest potential; that we should never dwell on ifs, buts, should have, could have, etc. because that will only pull you down.  I guess I've been "stuck" because I have a lot of issues that I have let lingered.  Tonight, I need to let go.  I know God will catch me.  That wise lady told me how she let go and how God had help her land solidly with both feet.  I know it'll make me feel breathless for a feeling of eternity, but I have to because all the weight of my troubles are pulling me down.  Will God catch me in time?...  Will I be able to land on solid ground?...  Mikey, my cousin, told me to trust in the Lord...  I have been brought up in a Catholic-cum-Adventist life, I should know this by now.  It should be ingrained in my subconscious already, right?...  Then why the doubt?...  I guess whe push comes to shove, I still err and doubt as all humans do, and therein lies the rub.  I always "preach" about the "right thing to do" and yet here I am doubting the "truth".  I have arrived at the crossroads of my life, am 29 years old, and still feel like a 5-year-old going to my first day of kindergarten:  90% scared, and 10% excited.  I need to let go...  I am sorry...  I know I will hurt people, but I have to do this...  I need to trust that God is just there ready to catch me... 

TO THE PEOPLE WHO READ MY BLOG...

The purpose of this site is for my own personal ruminations, thoughts, feelings, exasperations, woes, exclamations, corruption, etc...  In short, please don't ask around family and friends "what exactly is happening in my life..."  It is for my own personal use...  not open to anyone else's interpretation...  Just my own thoughts on cyberpaper...  like an open-book diary where everyone can peek at my thought for the day but not really understand what it means.  But that does not mean you can put your own input or meaning into it...  especially, DON'T TELL THE OLDIES IN MY FAMILY...  they tend to put their own spin to things...  highly tenacious and intellectually abusive...  ha, ha, ha!!!...  wonder where I get my manic smarts...?...  he, he, he!!!...  Anyway, I love my family to death, it's just that the OLDIES are, well,  OLD and have a oil-lamp view of the world...  It's just as well, I guess, because I need this space to keep me sane from the mundane routine of my everyday living...  It's the only place where I can let out steam without the OLDIES knowing exactly what I'm steaming about, where I'm steaming out, and why I'm steaming...  my kindred hearth and hollow...  please respect it as such...  thank you, people...  i would really appreciate it... 

making the WRONG decision AGAIN...

How can I move on when my foot is stuck in the muck of 2005?...  I think I'm afraid to move on because I'm afraid to make the wrong decision AGAIN, and this time bring down my kids with me...  I'm afraid to make the wrong decision AGAIN and my kids will hate me for it 10-20 years from now...  I'm afraid to make the wrong decision AGAIN and finding myself in the very exact predicament as when I had started...  I'm afraid to make the wrong decision AGAIN and paralyze myself emotionally for the rest of my life (or what's left of it)...  I'm afraid to make the wrong decision AGAIN and find myself risking everything for NOTHING...  I'm afraid to make the wrong decision AGAIN and see that I should have when I didn't...  I'm afraid to make the wrong decision AGAIN and see that I SHOULDN'T HAVE when I DID...  No one can help me...  I feel like I'm drowning...  I don't know what to do...!!!  I am destitute for guidance but everyone else just seems to tell me what to do, not guide me...  I can't decide...  I am at the crossroads of my life and I AM SCARED because I have two kids who might hate me for the rest of my life for what I might do, and what they think and feel mean the world to me...  I feel as if everyone is going about their own, bustling around and minding their own business, while I am just standing there exactly in the middle of this crossroad afraid to take a single step in any direction...  I pray for comfort...  guidance...  sense of security...  support...  LOVE???...  (does that count???)...  I pray for the utter sacrosanctity of this plebeian scene in my life...  deja vu...  serendipity...  fate...  H>>>E>>>L>>>P>>>!!!!!!!

ugh!!!

I think I've finally learned to be defensive about myself...  I mean, when it comes to relationships...  I have a friend who just told me that I have this defensive mechanism when it comes to falling in love.  I guess I do.  I just don't want to get hurt anymore.  Can anyone blame me after what happened to my marriage???  I think I wouldn't want to get married anymore if marriage entails what I just went through last year.  Too much for me to handle.  I just want a simple life with my kids, to see them through life with heads held high, and knowledge that I did my best when it counted, and to let them know what really happened when the right time comes...  I just hope they'll understand why I did what I did when I did it...  I wish everyone would get off my back about what I should do about my life and how I should lead it...  I just want to be alone and do what I have to do on my own...  CAN EVERYONE JUST GET OFF MY BACK?!?

PrOfILeS...

I want to be the first thing you remember when you wake up in the morning...  the last memory as you close your eyes at the end of the day...  the one you turn to for advice when you are troubled...  the first person you would think of to tell the greatest news...  the one you would call when you are bored or lonely...  the four-leaf clover and cornerstone of your very existence.  If I cannot be any of those, then what importance do I have in your life?... 

PERPLEXED!!!

I honestly don't understand the male species...  I think they blow "HoT" and "CoLd" more often than women on their monthly periods...!!! UGH!!!  Characteristically, I want someone who'll understand and listen.  Someone who's really sweet, "malambing", a hopeless romantic, ironic, but, simply put, I'd rather have someone who truly loves me for me...  No games.  No playing around.  Seriously, someone who REALLY loves me---AND my kids...

Capt. Corelli's Mandolin

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

chances...

What can I say?  It's been some time since I wrote anything here.  Fate has given me a wonderful chance to make a change.  This time, I plan to do it right:  to start from the beginning, to be able to make a choice that can mean forever.  Dizzying heights of patience and understanding from family and friends are all I need.  Without them, I am nothing.  Support from the dearest of friends, and unending PATIENCE!!!  (lol!!!)  Please believe in me...  please...  I need to be fair...  I need your strength...  support...  patience...  understanding...  trust...  unconditional love...

SeLf-AiM...

I don't ever want to fall in love again for all the wrong reasons.  I have this penchant for rogues who always break your heart... wonder why...  I cannot say I never loved.  I loved with eyes open, heart wanton, gained two beautiful children, but lost everything else.  Trying to regain my lost self-esteem and pride makes me vulnerable to the most lowly creatures.  Am aiming for the stars...  wanting...  waiting...  needing to find myself...  "Focus, Trish, focus...  Everything you'll ever want is just a step in the right direction..."

- { EnIgMa } -

Life is but a play.  Life is a play where the cast are ourselves with the main conflict is LIFE itself; hence, life is an enigma.  You can pass through life playing semantics with all the chapters, scenes, and lines.  You say "old", I say "mature".  You say "40", I say "prime".  You say "too far", I say "endearingly missed".  Things would be more less complicated if we always look at life as a glass half full...  Make the most of life, live it to the fullest, never regret, and it shall grace you with experiences and memories that you may look back on fifty years from now and say, "I lived the richest life anyone can ever have..."

Ruminations...

Life complicates life... and that's to say the least about my problems.  People say that things will get better, and it's going to make you stronger.  If it weren't for Abe's blogs of Daily Motivations, Liana, and Theo, I honestly don't know where I'd be right now...  Hershey, a very good friend of mine, always tries to knock some sense into me every time we talk:  I don't think it's working though.  Without self-realization, I don't think anyone else's input will matter right now.  I know I can be too dense to think to let anything sink in (hey!  it takes a while, you guys!  I ain't a robot..!)  I am as hard-headed and headstrong as they come:  I have a right to be, being born under the Taurus sign...  Another birthday is coming up, another year...  Makes me think about what I had learned this past year...  hmmmmmmm...  Like abe said:  "In each moment of this day, life will ask about your priorities.  And with the choices you make, the big ones and the small ones, your answer will be clear.  The real, driving purpose of your life is expressed not by the flowery word or lofty intentions.  Rather that purpose is most accurately expressed by what you actually do with your life.  You can think and dream and speculate about what might and what might not hold meaning for you.  Yet the truth of who you are will unmistakably shown by the choices of what you do..."

UNINTELLIGIBLE RANTINGS...

They say that Life always has a way of handing you too much of anything, and that one will be able to live through it... definitely not unscathed, of course!  That's why it's called life, right?  Everything that happens is supposed to happen for a reason only God alone can understand and explain.  The bearer of unfathomable wisdom and love.  To be able to walk in His image, to  see what only He can see.  Makes me want to shout:  I WANT MY FREEDOM!!!  WHERE ARE YOU?...

My Woefullest Day...

I never thought this day would come... I feel so small, so much like an ant, yet burdened up to more than 50 times their body weight, ready to be crushed...  so many damn problems...  I want to break free...  to escape even for just a little while...  to leave everything behind... I feel so tired of it all... I am tired of crying...  When will it all end?...  Has God finally turned his back on this woeful creature of sin?...